Such luxury as hope
She woke up. The day was going to be long and it was just 6 am. She sat in her bed and opened her eyes lazily, Looked out of the window: No sun. This winter was killing her; she looked for some other colors, some other hues, some warmth instead of only white cover and naked trees. Her eyes were wondering over the surface of the ground, she could see a big territory covered with snow, she saw everything from her flat on the 15th floor. How gladly she would stay home; covered in her favorite red blanket with the notebook a cup of warm coffee and ideas and thoughts… But she had to go. The long day promised to be specifically boring!
She made her way to the kitchen, putting lazy steps and yawning. It was hot in the flat. Artificial sun known as central heating was keeping summer-mood at home. At least one positive think about winter-it is always hot at home. Black coffee no sugar, tastes like morning and every morning tastes like coffee, smells like coffee and can’t start without coffee. The bitter liquid filled her stomach and made her wake up. Now she was ready for the day.
The bus was crowded. People in their heavy winter coats, looking like teddy bears, pushing each other, making their ways to the doors so as not to miss the right stop, were just the right picture for such a day! Seems like this is a small hell for all the small sins we’ve ever committed. She made her way to the door by pushing and passing somehow between a man in a huge winter jacket and a lady in a funny hat with a big red rose on it. She almost smiled but then saw the angry face of that lady and her smile died unborn….
This was her stop. Gray, gray, gray and cold seemed like all the buildings died and became statues just to show that humanity existed and created them. But people were alive, they were moving hurrying, freezing but never giving up. People always have things to do and places to go even when all the buildings and days die.
She entered a tall building, it had 50 floors. She was going to the 8th. This building seemed to be even more dead. Empty and cold, even the central heating was working well, here she felt cold. But she knew it was temporary because there is a room in here where she will feel warm. Even so, it was hard for her to be there, this place reminded her of her failure, reminded that she can’t keep life under control. This place and that warm room were yelling at her, telling her she is helpless and powerless. You can have the illusion of control but nothing is ever under your control, things just happen and at times you can’t even tell why.
She was walking down the long white corridor to the receptionist. Patients and doctors were walking by, she knew almost all of them. However she noticed a new woman on a wheel chair. She seemed to be unconscious; probably she will never regain her brain again…. “I hate this place”
-Lola Farrell, I came to visit Maria Farrell please.
-Are you a relative Miss Farrell?
-Ok. Here is your pass. You have an hour after that Mrs. Farrell will have to go through her procedures.
-Only an hour?
Receptionist looked at her emotionless as if willing to ask ”are you deaf” instead saying.
– Yes, procedures…
Probably one has to be so cold and feelingless to survive in such place…
-Ok, thank you.
Lola opened the door and walked in. The room was bright and smelled with flowers. Probably father was here today. She never talked to her family again since the day of the accident. She didn’t know how to look into her father’s eyes, how to explain to her sister that she never meant this to happen, she could never persuade herself that she wasn’t to blame.
-Hello mom! I missed you. I hope you are good today… Mom I still didn’t visit dad neither I answered Janna’s massages. She says they miss me but I hate myself! I would give my life away to change the past. Don’t know how long I will be able to stand this feeling of guilt, I need you to forgive me, I need to forgive myself!! Sometimes I think you hate me, but then I comfort myself, hopping you don’t, dreaming that you love me… We can never fix the situation with remorse and feelings of sorrow, it never helps. I wish I could see your beautiful eyes opened again and hear your voice calling my name…
Tears felt so right now, as if her mother would now open her eyes, look at Lola wipe her eyes and simply hug her, calm her down…
Mrs. Farrell was in coma for 6 months already. The day Lola found out she was an adopted child she went to her parent’s house told her mother off and drove away broken. It was a nasty dead day, like this one, the roads were frozen. Mrs. Farrell, being a bad driver wanted to reach Lola on her car but had an accident. Since then she never woke up again. Lola gave up on her family and decided to punish herself by loneliness. She thought she deserved that and she had no right to be happy. Hating herself made her hate the world but this room reminded her that she still can love and there still is a summer and a real sun, there are colors and hues and may be even such luxury as hope…